Do I Stay or Do I Go?
Posted on Divorce Support Center site April 1, 2013
Most of us, at one time or another, go through rough patches in our marriages that have us asking ourselves if we married the right person. But when those rough patches become deep trenches, it’s time to do some real soul searching.I once had a therapist tell me, “Janeen, you don’t have to leave just yet. You’ll know when it’s time.” Guess what? She was right.
In my experience, it really boils down to three things if you’re seriously considering the possibility of a divorce.
You either want to be with this person, or you don’t It’s really that simple.
If you want to be in this marriage, the two of you will do whatever it takes to make it succeed. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is telling you. It’s okay to talk with your parents, a friend or two, or a counselor and ask for advice. But ultimately, the decision comes down to the two of you. If you both want to be married, you will make it work. However, if one of you wants out, it changes everything. It’s pretty difficult to stay married to someone who doesn’t really want to be married to you. But that’s a topic for another day.
No matter what problems you’re experiencing, do you truly love each other?
Every marriage is work. Some marriages have more problems than others, but there is always something that comes between two people in a marriage. There are always things to work out. It doesn’t matter who you’re married to – you will have to work at it. That’s just the reality. But when all is said and done, ask yourself if you deeply love your spouse. Are you concerned for this person? Do you give freely to this person? Can you imagine life without this person? Where there is love, there is always hope.
And finally, Are the issues you’re having serious enough to call it quits?
There are many things that can tear couples apart. But are those things unforgivable? I believe the answer to this question is very, very personal with each couple. Perhaps one of you has an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Maybe one of you has been involved in a long-term affair. Maybe the relationship is abusive. Many things have to be worked through before a marriage violated in these ways can be put back together. But the decision lies with you as a couple. Is the addict willing to get treatment in order to move past the addiction? Is the cheater remorseful and willing to get counseling? Can the abuser get control of his anger? No one can answer these questions but the two of you.
There are many reasons why marriages break down over time. But the true test is whether or not you are both willing to do what it takes to put it back together. If there is any part of you at all that wants to make your marriage work, then get in there and get to work. Remember, “You don’t have to leave just yet. You’ll know when it’s time.”
Janeen Diamond, Author “Save Your Marriage in 30”